The clock reads 1:25am… I should be asleep, yet sleep is not to be found. I close my eyes, and I see only my failure — nay, my abuse — of faith. I see my own selfishness, greed, apathy, and disconnectedness from those who are in need.
I see my focus on doctrinal truth, a focus which is in and of itself fine, yet has ultimately come at the cost of infecting my area of the world with God’s Kingdom.
And I see just how infected I have become with the world. Rather than salting the world, spreading through it like leaven or mustard plants, the world has instead salted me… poisoned me.
I get more excited about toys from my childhood getting remade into Hollywood blockbusters than I do hearing about — much less participating in — holy subversion of this world’s empires.
I get more into the latest, greatest video games than I ever have sharing even the doctrinal truth which I have striven so hard to perfect — and I still have yet so far to go.
And perhaps most disturbing at all is that I will take just about any opportunity to defend my views concerning Genesis 6 or Jesus’ encounter with the Legion-possessed demoniac… but when presented with opportunities to sacrificially love or to subvert the world’s empires or economies, how often do I turn away? Oh, there’s subversion going on, but it’s subversion of my own faith: when I turn the other cheek, it isn’t because someone has struck me, it’s because I do not wish to see what has been placed before me.
I’m not for sure if what I’m going through could be accurately described as a crisis of faith; perhaps “revolution” of faith would be better. Whatever the case, it’s burdensome. Christianity — as Jesus taught it — runs contrary to so much of my life.
It’s 1:43 now… I really, really should be sleeping. But I wanted to share this, at least for no other reason than to confess my sins. Brethren, pray for me.
Thanks for sharing this, Rick. We all have so much further to go. Thankfully, we don’t have to earn this thing. In fact, we can’t. :)
If it was something to be earned, we’d all be screwed — filthy rag righteousness doesn’t accomplish much.
Thanks for stopping by, Shawn. I’ve been to the Inner Metro Green site a half dozen times in the past few days, and am really inspired by what you’re all doing there. Your prayers are appreciated.
Don’t worry, Rick. You’re only human. You can’t be expected to be the holiest of the holy. Just try to be good.
There are none good save for God alone; I can only hope to conform to the image of His Son. Anything I do apart from Him is at worst sin and at best like unto a used pantyliner.